McDonald's Kermis

There is a small town in Belgium which hosts a yearly farmer's festival, where you can eat local specialities and drink beer from early morning to late night. This festival has been booming for every year since the launch in the early 1970's. An extra party tent, more herring on the barbecue, more beer kegs, more horses to consecrate, a larger bonfire, a bigger pig head to auction ... the expansion has been limitless. That is, until a few months ago, when the biggest expansion plan ever blew up in their faces, when the committee of Salphen Kermis, as the folklore festival is named, put an offer out to buy the McDonald's fast food chain. Yes, the billionaire corporation received a giant sum from the Salphen Kermis committee to sell their company to the local farmers. Not just the Belgian franchises, the entire thing!

The committee already had a plan in place to keep the regular McDonald's customers coming into their favorite food chain, without having to learn new orders. So say you went to a McDonald's near you (which would then be named McSalphen's), you could still order a McChicken, a McFlurry or a Big Mac. Anything you already know! The only difference would be that if you ordered a McChicken, you would get a pot of mussles instead of a chicken burger. If you ordered a McFlurry, you would get a herring (a McFlurry Oreo would get you the semen of the herring). A Big Mac would be a pig foot. A McDonald's cheeseburger would be a regular hamburger with onion and ketchup, and fries would be a regular hamburger with onion and curry ketchup. (So if you ordered "fries without onions" you would get a hamburger with curry ketchup.) A Happy Meal would be two pancakes with sugar. A coke would be a regular beer. A coffee would be a Duvel. A Dr Pepper would be a jenever. This would cover the base menu.

At first the McDonald's board of directors reacted amused to the substantial offer, and slightly impressed that a small farmer's festival had managed to make so much money during all those years. But as the Salphen Kermis committee seemed to be serious about the offer, the McDonald's board started to feel insulted. So CEO Kempczinski, seeing an investing opportunity, struck back and has bought up Salphen Kermis, which will now be aptly named McDonald's Kermis. The full McDonald's menu will be available on that very day, with the Salphen Kermis menu offer switched around. So a pot of mussles will be a McChicken, a herring would get you a McFlurry, semen of the herring would get you an Oreo McFlurry, and so on.

The Salphen Kermis committee, now disbanded, reacted shocked in an unofficial statement, and told us they would threaten a big strike and big actions, if it weren't for the NDA they had signed for a lot of money. In their official response, they said they really looked forward to buying and eating the amazing American fast food early January.

We'll keep you updated on how it goes.