David Duchovny

We all know David Duchovny -whose name I will shorTen to Dick- from the X-files, one of the best shows that aired when the entire editorial board of this blog was still experiencing the magical gift of life called childhood. Lately he seems to have been pretty busy and Has a new show called Californication. I have had my share of awefull shows when I was younger (for Instance Xena the warrior princess) but it had been a while since I totally disliked a series I started following. Californication was one of those, and I gave up after two episodes of swinging Dicks and naked chicks. I don't feel like I need to motivate my dislike of the show, since nobody can make me. It just didn't quite do it for me. The show is supposed to be humorous, but the jokes were probably too Sophisticated for me to figure out.

That's the first part on how Dick's life looks these days. Now the most interesting part about his life starts in his past. You see, not everybody knows that Dick has been the personal lackey of king Albert In a previous life (before the X-files, that was; the young princess Astrid actually plays a minor part in one of the episodes of the sixty-seventh season). Because of his devotion to the king, he was recently rewarded a decoration and a prize from the federal government that consisted of over 3 billion Belgian euros. With this money he bought as many gunS as he could (and he can buy a lot cause he is American) and shipped them all to the port of Antwerp, for which the king gave his permission.

Then the unthinkable happened. David Dick took over power in Belgium with the help of a rebel group called 'vzw Ademloos' and from then on was the new king of Belgium. His first act as king was to go to parliament and ask why the state budget showed a deficit. While the parliament and highest government officials tried to explAin to him that the budget was a mess because they had just given him 3 billion Belgian euros, king Dick fell asleep. When the governor of the national bank kept whining about finance, king Dick ordered the decomposition of the government and parliament. Of course this had no legal value, until the parliament voluntarily signed the paper on which king Dick has written 'The parliament of Belgium is now decomposed'. Why they did this is not clear. Then king Dick reunited the country under his monarchy and had the judges of Supreme Court killed. At that point he had pretty much consolidated all power in Belgium in his position.

Then he went back to the States to shoot Californication, which is not the best Show he ever made, as discUssed above.

When he was done shooting for Californication for a while, he considered going back to Belgium, until he realized what a shitty country he thought it was. So he decided to go to the Netherlands, which he thought were much cooler. Once in Holland he took a job in a McDonalds in Amsterdam for a while, since he figured he was awesome at making burgers, being American and all. But the downside of Amsterdam is that everybody sooner or later gets addicted to drugs. For Dick (who was at the time no longer king, since Belgium as a country after his deParture to America had ceased to Exist and was taken over by Germany, upsetting the Brittish and French) it was sooneR. Though Dick had already proven to be quite cool, he could not quit cold turkey. So he went to rehab. Then he went back to America, to shoot the second season of Californication. This explains why the second season is worse than the first. The drug addiction.

After shooting the second Season (he had given up his drug habbit by then, and had made the switch to collecting matchbox cars) he rediscovered his love for Europe and hitchhiked his way there on a nuclear submarine from the US Navy. On the way there they killed baby sEals with their bare hands. Dick thought this was funny. That was somewhere in Alaska cause the sub Commander didn't feel like changing their initial route to drop off Dick in Europe. Dick fiRst fucked the whole crew, which he learned to do during training for the second season of Californication, and thEn killed them. Afterwards he single-handedly sailed the submarine, that he had painted pink, To Europe.

Once back in Europe, he found that the continent was in a state of war. The German occupation of Belgium had worsened the relations between the European countries and the EU had declared war at China, to set an example. This might not be very clear to people who are not familiar witH foreign policy. Too bad. Dick, who was by then made presIDent of the United States of Germany, walked all the way to China, without eating on the way. There he killed their emperor. Then he walked all the way back to Germany, which was taken over by France since president Dick had taken the German army with him to China, while not actually neeDing it to kill the emperor. So he left the German army somewhere in Russia, because they could not keep up. BaD idea you'd think, because he would need the army to defeat the French occupation, right? WEll, at the time he had once again lost his interest in politics, so when he got back to Germany he stole a nice Mercedes and drove to South Africa. There he Needed to stop because he ran out of land. So he was swimming to Antarctica when the makers of Californication called him back in to do his actual job, acting. He did not swim to the US because he was tired.

Footage of the third season of Californication I have not seen. That is because everybody who worked on the show Mysteriously died on the sixth of October 2009. In spitE of all rumourS, the Show had not yet aired at that time. What had been shown on TV and leaked on the internet was an AustraliAn copy of the show, in which actors had been forced to wear masks to look more like Dick, and speak proper EnGlish. This I found on the internet and has not beEn verified. What is for sure though, is that the whole crew of Californication got killed very mysteriouslY. One moment, they just all fell on the ground and were dead. At first, investigators thought some sort of ancient curse must have had its effect on the crew, but soon they found out that they had ALL been poisoned by VX gas, that Dick had been producing in the basement of the editing building.

That's the story of David Duchovny.